300+ Funny Quotes to Lighten Your Mental Load

Laughter is said to be the best medicine, and tickle it well with an assortment of hilarious quotes. Funny quotes are just about the best thing to help bring a smile onto your face, whether it be today through scrolling through social media, chatting with someone, or just because you need it on an especially rough day. Blending humor and life’s mundane everyday moments, presenting the bright side with just a touch of wit and sarcasm. From the really famous comedians to just an unexpected quote of wisdom within a joke, these quotes will make you chuckle while giving you something to think about. Jump into the heart of this article now to discover for yourself a treasure of funny quotes that you may want to share, enjoy, maybe even live by!

Best funny quotes

Here, you are going to read the best collection of funny quotes that will make you laugh out loudly and lighten up your day.

Table of Contents

“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.” —Mitch Hedberg
“Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the war room.” —President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers), Dr. Strangelove
“My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.” —Rose (Betty White), The Golden Girls
“Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.” —David Letterman Funny Quote by Jack Handey
“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” —Jack Handey
Bob: “Looks like you’ve been missing a lot of work lately.” Peter: “I wouldn’t say I’ve been missing it, Bob.” —Bob (Paul Wilson) and Peter (Ron Livingston), Office Space
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.” —Mark Twain
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” —Rita Rudner
“Ned, I would love to stand here and talk with you—but I’m not going to.” —Phil Connors (Bill Murray), Groundhog Day
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.” —Erma Bombeck
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.” —Ellen DeGeneres
“Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’” —Anonymous
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.” —Jerry (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld
“I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” —Michael Scott (Steve Carrell), The Office
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.” —Anonymous
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.” —Les Dawson
“There’s nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can’t prolong.” —Surgeon
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’” —Steven Wright
“There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.” ―Mindy Kaling
“You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.” —Joan Rivers
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.” —Lt. Frank
“My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.” —Bobby Boucher (Adam Sandler)
“I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.” —Jimmy Kimmel
“Marriage is like an unfunny, tense version of Everybody Loves Raymond, but it doesn’t last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.” —Pete (Paul Rudd)
“Being a mom means never buying the right amount of produce. Either everyone suddenly loves grapes and a week’s worth are eaten in one afternoon, or fruit flies are congregating around my rotting bananas.” —Lessons from the Minivan
“I’m not insane. My mother had me tested.” —Sheldon Cooper (Jim Parsons)

Short funny quotes

Want to grab really quick laughs? Here is a section featuring short but snappy funny quotes that really punch hard in just a few words.

“I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet.” —Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker)
“Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.” —Oscar Wilde “Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.” —Mortimer Brewster
“Woke up today. It was terrible.” —Grumpy Cat
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.” —Bob Hope
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” —Robin Williams
“There is one word that describes people that don’t like me: Irrelevant.” —Anonymous
“Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.” —Ellen DeGeneres
“To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people!” —Wanda
“Never do anything out of hunger. Not even eating.” —Frank Semyon
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” —Steve Martin
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.” —Groucho Marx
“I’m not good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” —Chandler
“I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.” —Anonymous
“The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.” —Clairee Belcher
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.” —Ace Ventura
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.” —Anonymous

funny quotes about life

Life may be difficult, but these funny quotes on life will help you get through every situation with some sort of humor.

funny quotes about friends

Laughter is the bond between two people. Here is a section with funny quotes on friends that will really capture the fun side of friendship.

“True friends are those who really know you but love you anyway.” —Edna Buchanan
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.” —Oprah Winfrey
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun.’” —Groucho Marx
“There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends.” —Sylvia Plath
“We know our friends by their defects rather than by their merits.” —William Somerset Maugham
“‘Best friend’ isn’t a person—it’s a tier.” —Mindy Kaling
“Most of us don’t need a psychiatric therapist as much as a friend to be silly with.” —Robert Brault
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What? You too? I thought I was the only one!” —C.S. Lewis
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.” —Arnold H. Glasgow
“If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal.” —Oprah Winfrey
“When you are asked if you can do a job, tell ’em, ‘Certainly I can!’ Then get busy and find out how to do it.” —Theodore Roosevelt
“Confidence is 10% hard work and 90% delusion.” —Tina Fey
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” —Edward Bergen
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” —Drew Carey
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.” —Henry Kissinger
“I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.” —Douglas Adams
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” —Phyllis Diller
“By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work 12 hours a day.” —Robert Frost
“The road to success is always under construction.” —Lily Tomlin
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” —Robert Orben
“Some people see things that are and ask, ‘Why?’ Some people dream of things that never were and ask, ‘Why not?’ Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.” —George Carlin
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” —Groucho Marx
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” —Claude MacDonald
“The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.” —Vince Lombardi
“Whatever you do, always give 100% — unless you’re donating blood.” —Bill Murray
“Find out what you like doing best and get someone to pay you for doing it.” —Katharine Whitehorn
“Be like a postage stamp; stick to one thing until you get there.” —Josh Billings
“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, some don’t turn up at all.” —Sam Ewing
“Hustle until your haters ask if you’re hiring.” —Steve Maraboli
“The difference between try and triumph is just a little umph!” —Marvin Phillips
“Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he’s supposed to be doing at that moment.” —Robert Benchley
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” —Don Herold
“A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.” —Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971)
“Why, sometimes I’ve believed six impossible things before breakfast.” —Alice in Wonderland (1951)
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.” —Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994)
“Please. Have mercy. I’ve been wearing the same underwear since Tuesday.” —Planes, Trains and Automobiles (1987)
“My mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.” —Forrest Gump (1994)
“Well, nobody’s perfect.” —Some Like It Hot (1959)
“I learned a long time ago that worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but it doesn’t get you anywhere.” —National Lampoon’s Van Wilder (2002)
“You want to get out of the hole? First you’re going to have to put down the shovel.” —Incredibles 2 (2018)
“Just keep swimming.” —Finding Nemo (2003)
“A laugh can be a very powerful thing. Why, sometimes in life, it’s the only weapon we have.” —Who Framed Roger Rabbit? (1988)
“If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.” —Dodgeball (2004)
“Today is a good day to try.” —The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1996)
“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” —Elbert Hubbard
“Life is hard. After all, it kills you.” —Katharine Hepburn
“I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade, and try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.” —Ron White
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.” —Dave Barry
“Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise, we’re going down the tube.” —Joan Rivers
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age.” —Lucille Ball
“Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow anyone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then, by all means, follow that path.” —Ellen DeGeneres
“To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.” —Reba McEntire
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’” —Sydney J. Harris
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.” —Stephen Hawking
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” —Graham Norton
“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.” —Mae West
“Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.” —Mark Twain
“My favorite thing to do on this planet is to play games. And if you don’t enjoy games, then you’re really missing the point of what this life is.” —RuPaul
“Life is short. Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse. That’s one of my mottos.” —Stanley Hudson, The Office
“Life is just a big bowl of fancy assorted cashews!” —Patrick Star, SpongeBob SquarePants
“Your soul is like your appendix—I don’t even use it!” —Michael Kelso, That ’70s Show
“What am I scared of? I’m scared of the same thing that you are: everything.” —George Costanza, Seinfeld
“I’m a bit of a sucker for second chances. They’re my first favorite kind of chance.” —Jessica Day, New Girl
“Nobody exists on purpose, nobody belongs anywhere, everybody’s gonna die. Come watch TV.” —Morty, Rick and Morty
“Why can’t parents just stay parents? You know? Why do they have to become people?” —Rachel Green, Friends
“We need to remember what’s important in life: friends, waffles, work. Or waffles, friends, work. Doesn’t matter, but work is third.” —Leslie Knope, Parks and Recreation
“Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I’ll find it along the way.” —Michael Scott, The Office
“I’m not so good with the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” —Chandler Bing, Friends. Do check out our roundup of hilarious sarcasm quotes.
“To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.” —Homer Simpson, The Simpsons
“I don’t make the rules, ma’am. I just think them up and write them dowLetterman Cartman, South Park
“All life ends in death, which we, as a species, are cursed with knowing. Resulting in … something. Again, this is really not my field.” —Ian Duncan, Community
“Fate is just what you call it when you don’t know the name of the person screwing you over.” —Lois, Malcolm in the Middle
“No thank you, I prefer to get high on life.” —Millie Kentner, Freaks and Geeks
“When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. I read that one on a can of lemonade. I like to think it applies to life.” —Andy Dwyer, Parks and Recreation
“I love a good nap. Sometimes it’s the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning.” —George Costanza, Seinfeld
“Here’s some advice I wish I woulda got when I was your age: Live every week like it’s Shark Week.” —Tracy Jordan, 30 Rock
“If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.” —Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld
“I would do anything for my friends, which I think is how everyone in the world feels. Which is why I finally understand war.” —Jeff Winger, Community
“True friends are those who really know you but love you anyway.” —Edna Buchanan
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.” —Oprah Winfrey
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun.’” —Groucho Marx
“There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends.” —Sylvia Plath
“We know our friends by their defects rather than by their merits.” —William Somerset Maugham
“‘Best friend’ isn’t a person—it’s a tier.” —Mindy Kaling
“Most of us don’t need a psychiatric therapist as much as a friend to be silly with.” —Robert Brault
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What? You too? I thought I was the only one!” —C.S. Lewis
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.” —Arnold H. Glasgow
“If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal.” —Oprah Winfrey
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.” —Linda Grayson
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“A true friend is someone that thinks you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.” —Bernard Meltzer
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.” —Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Friendship is like money—easier made than kept.” —Samuel Butler
“It’s important to our friends to believe that we are unreservedly frank with them, and important to the friendship that we are not.” —Mignon McLaughlin
“You can always tell a real friend: When you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.” —Laurence J. Peter

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funny quotes about work

Work can be tiring, yet funny quotes about work will show the better side of working in an office.

“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”—Mitch Hedberg
“Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the war room.”—President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers), Dr. Strangelove
“My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.”—Rose (Betty White), The Golden Girls
“Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.”—David Letterman
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”—Jack Handey
Bob: “Looks like you’ve been missing a lot of work lately.” Peter: “I wouldn’t say I’ve been missing it, Bob.” —Bob (Paul Wilson) and Peter (Ron Livingston), Office Space
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”—Mark Twain
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”—Ellen DeGeneres
“Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’”—Anonymous
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”—Jerry (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld

funny quotes about study

Studying doesn’t mean having to be serious all the time. Here are funny study quotes for introducing humor into your academic life.

“Respect your parents. They passed school without Google.” – Anonymous
“Education can get you the only thing that really matters in today’s world—an assigned parking space.” — Gene Perret
“School is a building which has four walls with tomorrow inside.” – Lon Watters
“If you think your teachers are tough, wait ‘til you get a boss.” — Bill Gates
“There’s more treasure in books than in all the pirate’s loot on Treasure Island.” — Walt Disney
“Those who don’t know history are doomed to repeat it.” — Edmund Burke
“School bells are ringing loud and clear; vacation’s over, school is here.” — Winifred C. Marshal
“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose.” — Dr. Seuss
“I like a teacher who gives you something to take home to think about besides homework.” — Lily Tomlin
“School is a lot like toilet paper. You only miss it when it’s gone.” — Anonymous
“There is nothing on earth intended for innocent people so horrible as a school.” — George Bernard Shaw
“It’s not that I hate school. I just hate waking up early in the morning.” — Unknown
“We all learn by experience but some of us have to go to summer school.” — Peter De Vries
“High school looks so much cooler on TV.” — Unknown
“Education is simply the soul of a society as it passes from one generation to another.” — G.K. Chesterton
“A teacher affects eternity; he can never tell where his influence stops.” — Henry B. Adams
“If you are planning for a year, sow rice; if you are planning for a decade, plant trees; if you are planning for a lifetime, educate people.” — Chinese proverb
“Education is the difference between wishing you could help other people and being able to help them.” – Russell M. Nelson

funny quotes about love

Love is funny in and of itself. Here are hilarious quotes about love that show how funny love can be.

“If you text ‘I love you’ to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don’t love you back.” — Chelsea Peretti
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” — Natasha Leggero
“Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.” — Bill Maher
“You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale.” — Hussein Nishah
“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.” ― Sharon Stone
“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“Falling in love is like owning a dog. It’s a lot of work, and they can make a mess, but in the end, it’s worth it because they just might save your life.” – Unknown
“Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it’s probably crap.” – Unknown
“My love for you is like a circle. It has no end, and that’s how long I want to be with you.” – Unknown
“Let’s commit the perfect crime. I’ll steal your heart, and you’ll steal mine.” – Unknown
“I love you even when I’m really, really hungry.” – Unknown
“I’m not a photographer, but I can definitely picture us together.” – Unknown
“You’re the cheese to my macaroni.” – Unknown
“You must be made of copper and tellurium because you’re Cu-Te.” – Unknown
“You’re like pizza. Even when you’re bad, you’re good.” – Unknown
“When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own.” — Lenore Coffee
“Sexy is the thing I try to get them to see me as after I win them over with my personality.” — Miranda on “Sex and the City”
“As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: You can be right or you can be happy.” — Ralphie May
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?” — Jean Illsley Clarke
“Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing.” — Helen Rowland
“I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, ‘And another thing …’” — Felicia Michaels

funny quotes about me

While you’re at it, take some humorous quotations about me to have a laugh over your own quirks.

“Don’t doubt yourself. That’s what haters are for.” – Turcois Ominek
“Sometimes I pretend to be normal. But it gets boring. So I go back to being me.” – Ain Eineziz
“I think everybody’s weird. We should all celebrate our individuality and not be embarrassed or ashamed of it.” – Johnny Depp
“Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it’s not like this compulsive need like my need to be praised.” – Michael Scott
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde
“Do your thing and don’t care if they like it.” – Tina Fey
“My favorite part of the day is when I get to talk about myself.” – Unknown
“I’m not bossy. I have better ideas.” – Unknown
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde
“The only thing wrong with me is that I believe everyone should think I’m fantastic.” – Unknown
“I follow a rigorous exercise routine that I never get tired of: jumping to conclusions.” – Unknown
“It’s true that beauty comes from within, but does it have to stop there?” – Unknown
“I’m not much for talking. You know, unless I’m talking about me.” – Unknown
“It’s not easy being a legend, especially in my own mind.” – Unknown
“I don’t hold grudges. I remember facts.” – Unknown
“I’m not self-centered. I just noticed the world revolves around me.” – Unknown
“I strive for perfection, but I’m willing to accept excellence.” – Unknown
“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.” – Mark Twain
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.” – Mark Twain
“A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.” – Phyllis Diller
“I said “Somebody should do something about that.” Then I realized I am somebody.” – Lily Tomlin
“Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.” – George Burns
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” – Mark Twain

funny quotes about motivation

Want motivation with a little laughter? Read these funny motivational quotes to inspire you to keep going: smiling.

“When you are asked if you can do a job, tell ’em, ‘Certainly I can!’ Then get busy and find out how to do it.” —Theodore Roosevelt
“Confidence is 10% hard work and 90% delusion.” —Tina Fey
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” —Edward Bergen
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” —Drew Carey
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.” —Henry Kissinger
“I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.” —Douglas Adams
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” —Phyllis Diller
“By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work 12 hours a day.” —Robert Frost
“The road to success is always under construction.” —Lily Tomlin
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” —Robert Orben
“Some people see things that are and ask, ‘Why?’ Some people dream of things that never were and ask, ‘Why not?’ Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.” —George Carlin
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” —Groucho Marx
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” —Claude MacDonald
“The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.” —Vince Lombardi
“Whatever you do, always give 100% — unless you’re donating blood.” —Bill Murray
“Find out what you like doing best and get someone to pay you for doing it.” —Katharine Whitehorn
“Be like a postage stamp; stick to one thing until you get there.” —Josh Billings
“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, some don’t turn up at all.” —Sam Ewing
“Hustle until your haters ask if you’re hiring.” —Steve Maraboli
“The difference between try and triumph is just a little umph!” —Marvin Phillips
“Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he’s supposed to be doing at that moment.” —Robert Benchley
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” —Don Herold

funny quotes about war

War is not a joke; however, with these funny quotes about war, you will have a satirical look toward serious matters.

Never trust a private with a loaded weapon, or an officer with a map. Tracers work both ways.- US Army Ordnance
Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.- Infantry Journal
War is a competition of incompetence – the least incompetent usually win.- Pakistani General Tiger, after losing Bangladesh
We all have appointments with the past.- W. G. Sebald
We are not retreating, we are advancing in another direction. We sleep safely in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would harm us.- George Orwell
What all the wise men promised has not happened and what all the dammed fools said would happen has come to pass.- Lord Melbourne
When in doubt empty the magazine. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.- US Marine Corps
When other Generals make mistakes their armies are beaten; when I get into a hole, my men pull me out of it. – The Duke of Wellington, after Waterloo
When you’re short of everything but the enemy, you’re in combat. Who cares if a laser guided 500 lb bomb is accurate to within 9 feet? Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.- General MacArthur
You don’t win a war by dying for your country. You win a war by making the other son-of-a-bitch die for his.- General George Patton
You, you, and you: Panic. The rest of you, come with me.- US Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt
“We’re Paratroopers, we’re meant to be surrounded.”-Major Richard “Dick” Winters
“Stop giving me problems and start giving me solutions.”-Erwin Rommel.
“See, there’s this Town down there..and in that Town are these guys called Germans…and these Germans got Tanks.”-SSgt. William ‘Wild Bill’ Guarnere

funny quotes about marriage

Marriage is a surprise packet, and these amusing quotes about marriage will get you laughing at all their ups and downs.

“I’m married to a very unusual person, but maybe it took a very unusual person to be willing to marry me.” —Fiona Shaw
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” —Rita Rudner
“Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing.” —Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.” —Cameron Esposito
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.” —Mae West
“We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness–and call it love–true love.” —Robert Fulghum
“Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.” —Ogden Nash
“The secret to a good marriage is to be a little deaf.” —Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.” —Winston Churchill
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.” —Benjamin Franklin
“Love is blind; marriage is the eye-opener.” —Pauline Thomason
“Who won in life? Me. Because I got to marry you.” —Chip Gaines
“The best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly who you are: good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass. That’s the kind of person that’s worth sticking with.” —Juno
“The first draft of my vows, which I wrote the day after we got engaged, clocked in at around 70 pages.” —Parks and Recreation
“Look, you want to know what marriage is really like? Fine. You wake up, she’s there. You come back from work, she’s there. You fall asleep, she’s there. You eat dinner, she’s there. You know? I mean, I know that sounds like a bad thing, but it’s not.” —Everybody Loves Raymond
“Marriage is like a tense, unfunny, version of Everybody Loves Raymond, only it doesn’t last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.”
– Knocked Up
“A wedding marks the first day of the rest of your life. You have been dead until now. Were you aware of that? You’re dead right now. —Bride Wars
“If you’re thinking of getting married, you might as well learn right now that you have to let women be women.” —Hello, Dolly!
“She’s your lobster. C’mon you guys. It’s a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You can actually see old lobster couples, walking around their tank, you know, holding claws.” —Friends
“Honestly, if you’re not willing to sound stupid, you don’t deserve to be in love.” —A Lot Like Love
“I love you. That’s why I make you miserable.”– Real Women Have Curves
“You know your voice is kind of nice when your mouth isn’t screwing it up. Yeah and you looks are kind of pretty. When your face isn’t screwing it up.”—The Goonies
“I’m looking for someone to share in an adventure that I’m arranging, and it’s very difficult to find anyone.” —J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit

funny quotes about school

School is indeed challenging, But these funny school quotes will have you laughing your way through the lessons.

“Respect your parents. They passed school without Google.” – Anonymous
“Education can get you the only thing that really matters in today’s world—an assigned parking space.” — Gene Perret
“School is a building which has four walls with tomorrow inside.” – Lon Watters
“If you think your teachers are tough, wait ‘til you get a boss.” — Bill Gates
“There’s more treasure in books than in all the pirate’s loot on Treasure Island.” — Walt Disney
“Those who don’t know history are doomed to repeat it.” — Edmund Burke
“School bells are ringing loud and clear; vacation’s over, school is here.” — Winifred C. Marshal
“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose.” — Dr. Seuss
“I like a teacher who gives you something to take home to think about besides homework.” — Lily Tomlin
“A sense of curiosity is nature’s original school of education.” — Smiley Blanton
“First day of school, make sure that you know your locker combination.” — Jordan Francis
“School is the easiest job you’ll ever have.” — Marty Klazmer
“School is a lot like toilet paper. You only miss it when it’s gone.” — Anonymous
“There is nothing on earth intended for innocent people so horrible as a school.” — George Bernard Shaw
“It’s not that I hate school. I just hate waking up early in the morning.” — Unknown
“We all learn by experience but some of us have to go to summer school.” — Peter De Vries
“High school looks so much cooler on TV.” — Unknown
“You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go.” — Bill Watterson
“I said school starts tomorrow. I didn’t say I was going to be there.” — Kim Harrison
“I would enjoy school more if I was allowed to bring a pillow.” — Unknown
“Respect your parents. They passed school without Google.” – Anonymous
“Education can get you the only thing that really matters in today’s world—an assigned parking space.” — Gene Perret
“School is a building which has four walls with tomorrow inside.” – Lon Watters
“If you think your teachers are tough, wait ‘til you get a boss.” — Bill Gates
“There’s more treasure in books than in all the pirate’s loot on Treasure Island.” — Walt Disney
“Those who don’t know history are doomed to repeat it.” — Edmund Burke
“School bells are ringing loud and clear; vacation’s over, school is here.” — Winifred C. Marshal
“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose.” — Dr. Seuss
“I like a teacher who gives you something to take home to think about besides homework.” — Lily Tomlin
“A sense of curiosity is nature’s original school of education.” — Smiley Blanton
“First day of school, make sure that you know your locker combination.” — Jordan Francis
“School is the easiest job you’ll ever have.” — Marty Klazmer
“School is a lot like toilet paper. You only miss it when it’s gone.” — Anonymous
“There is nothing on earth intended for innocent people so horrible as a school.” — George Bernard Shaw
“It’s not that I hate school. I just hate waking up early in the morning.” — Unknown
“We all learn by experience but some of us have to go to summer school.” — Peter De Vries
“High school looks so much cooler on TV.” — Unknown
“You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go.” — Bill Watterson
“I said school starts tomorrow. I didn’t say I was going to be there.” — Kim Harrison
“I would enjoy school more if I was allowed to bring a pillow.” — Unknown
“The job of an educator is to teach students to see the vitality in themselves.” — Joseph Campbell
“One child, one teacher, one pen and one book can change the world.” — Malala Yousafzai
“Education is the key to unlocking the world, a passport to freedom.” — Oprah Winfrey
“The aim of education should be to teach us rather how to think, than what to think—rather to improve our minds, so as to enable us to think for ourselves, than to load the memory with thoughts of other men.” — Bill Beattie
“You can teach a student a lesson for a day; but if you can teach him to learn by creating curiosity, he will continue the learning process as long as he lives.” — Clay P. Bedford
“Too often we give children answers to remember rather than problems to solve.” — Roger Lewin

funny quotes about home

Home is Where the Heart is and these are some funny quotes about home revealing the amusing side of habitation.

“An abode is a space where everything you mention gets to be said because no one cares to register it anyway.” – Unknown
“You can’t die by housework, but still, why take a chance?” – Phyllis Diller
“Housework to me is simply that it is sweeping by glass-like eyes.” – Erma Bombeck
“My best thing about my house concerns who I share it with – my Wi-Fi router.” – Unknown
“Home is where Wi-Fi connects automatically.” – Unknown
“A tidy house is an exemplary indication of wasted life.” – Unknown.
“I said I need space from my house, so now we’re seeing other people-mostly coffee shops.” -Unknown
“Home is the place where you leave your mess hoping no one will unexpectedly come by.” – Unknown.
“Cleaning house while children are at home is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.” – Unknown.
“I’m the boss when I’m at home… until my wife gets home.” – Unknown.
“You can wear pajamas all day and no one judges you.” – Unknown.
“It’s a perfect relationship between my vacuum cleaner and me; I ignore it, and it ignores me.” – Unknown.
“Decorating your home is fun until you realize just how much it costs to be basic.” – Unknown.
“Not messy, but it is an obstacle course in design to keep me fit at home.” – Unknown.
“The fastest way to find anything in your home is to buy another one.” – Unknown.
“So, home is where the laundry never ends.” – Unknown.
“Everything breaks at home just after the warranty expires.” – Unknown.
“My favorite chore at home is opening the refrigerator and checking to see if there’s anything new in it.” – Unknown.
“Home is where that couch fits your body like a glove.” – Unknown.
“A home is a place where the dog runs the house and the humans pay the bills.” – Unknown.

To Wrap Up!

Funny quotes aren’t just words; they’re a daily dose of happiness that bonds people together in laughter. Whether it’s a witty one-liner, an ironic commentary, or a pun that leaves you rolling on the floor, these quotes remind us to not take life too seriously. Next time you want to break the ice, give someone a little cheer, or just get a little laugh out of life’s quirks, then here’s your collection of funny quotes. Save this list, share your favorites, and let a good bit of humor brighten those days!

FAQs on funny quotes

What are some funny quotes?

Funny quotes are just something like witty sayings or humorous statements to make people laugh or smile.

For what reasons do you think funny quotes are popular?

They can be light, also relatable, and the most idealistic thing to brighten someone’s day.

Where can I use funny quotes?

Social media, conversation, captions, and even motivational reminders.

Who makes funny quotes?

Comedians, authors, celebrities, sometimes a common guy with good humor sense.

Is funny quote sarcastic?

Yes, it’s most of the times involved in funny quotes.

Are funny quotes for kids, adults, and old people?

Some quotes are for all, some are matured to just adults; some are pretty personal.

In what way funny quotations improve moods?

They actually release endorphins-anxiety decreasing endorphins, which can make someone happy.

Can funny quotes be inspirational?

Oh, yeah, so many funny quotes come with a lesson of life wrapped with deliverables of humor.

Are funny quotes good for icebreaker introductions?

Yes, they’re good for starting a conversation, and it’s casual like this kind of blowing up.

Can I make my own funny quotes?

Of course! Living everyday life and adding humor is guaranteed to create excellent quotes.

Do funny quotes make great captions?

Yes, indeed, funny quotes make for some really awesome Instagram or Facebook captions on posts.

Are funny quotes culturally specific?

Some humor may not apply to the majority, but many funny quotes can hit the target almost universally.

Are funny quotes to be shared at the professional level?

Yes, provided they are appropriate within context and for the right audience.

Why do people search for common funny quotes on the internet?

Simply to cheer him/her himself for personal entertainment, relatable thing to read, or even laugh with friends.

Which funny quotes are famous among people?

“I am not arguing; I am merely explaining why I am right.” and “I used to be indecisive, but now I am not quite so sure.”.